Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The illusion fades once more

DH was back from his business trip on Sunday and for the next 24 hours, we got along. We actually got along. Simple conversations, smooth management of potentially-disastrous tantrums, cleaning the house...

Yesterday evening, the illusion shattered. I mentioned the trouble at my office in my last post. But I never expected DH to react to it the way he did. For starters, he looked like someone had hit him in the gut. And then he said I ought to quit right away instead of risking getting fired. Hello? Where did that come from? Here I am, trying to balance a thousand things good and bad (a lot of it bad) and trying to stay happy, or at least contended, and he looks like someone died! What's more, it's not even like he's never been handed the pink slip so it was the shock. (Er...did I mention, DH, that I do have a job and a lot of the fears stem from uncertainty at the firm so there's little I can do about that?)

He stayed morose for a couple of more hours, heightening my own anxiety. Then, I remembered my shrink's words and pulled myself together. Que sera sera. I'll cross the rickety bridge when it comes. Fortunately, DH logged into LinkedIn and proceeded to go berserk. I thought I was overdoing it, but I only have 30 connections built up over the past 6 months. He started two weeks back and crossed 100 yesterday. It's the whole Orkut thing all over again. Bad deja vu. But I digress.

His negative overreaction to the whole 'something-like-this-MIGHT-happen' scenario was bewildering at first, and rubbed off on me for a while. Then it was plain annoying. He knows his brainwashing works with the whole world and their uncle, but not with me. So why bother? Besides, this is MY career, good or bad or worse, but it is mine. Eventually, it just seemed silly the way he reacted and I was able to dismiss the whole thing and get along with life.

One little tinge of sadness remained: that illusion that we could actually get along for a while - like a regular couple - without something spoiling it, had broken. I know he can't handle stress very well. I know he's insecure. But just seeing the evidence of that brought a lot of weird feelings to the surface. Feelings I do not want to deal with because I don't know how to and whatever I do won't work unless he co-operates. So I have no choice but to leave it on the backburner for now. Ah well, there are other blessings life has to offer.
Excuse me, folks. I have a list to make...


Anonymous said...

hey there, i havent been online for a couple of days, so i just got to visit your blog..

oh dear, im a bit shocked to see the similarities between what you are going through and what i have been going through. As hard as it may be for me to say, but if you can.. why cant i huh? i cant even seem to admit it or purposely keep it under wraps from fear of being treated differently or given different opportunities.

Safe to say, i am going through the same thing as you are in terms of anxiety and i have sought out help for it. On meds too =P although i dont like it too much, it makes me sleepy and blurry.

fighting wise? hahah, my ex bf is somewhat bipolar.. its AMAZING how the mentally unstable attract the mentally unstable! hahahha.. i know its not really a funny thing to say, but hey... i reckon, the only way to get out of this alive, is to be honest and somehow laugh my way out of it. happiness is the best cure? i understand the torment, the neverending fights =( the arguments that seem to go no where..

the tears, all those wasted tears that you wish you could take back and just stop the fight. we build on each others fears. we made each other worse. we brought out the worst in each other. BUT of course, we have decided to focus on ourselves for now and heal our bodies and minds.We are still happy, still somewhat around each other but not attached. Basically platonic i guess.

things have been going good. we are both healing in our own way. i am not suggesting in any way that you should do the same.. break up and all.. running away is not the best solution i know. merely try to take more time to yourself and learn how to call the argument to a halt. Usually if me and my significant others heads start butting again, i simply say.. okay, we are getting out of hand, i think you should go take a walk, cool your head and i should think about things by myself.. and usually 99% of the time, things get better =)

after we breathe and are no longer in the heat of our own emotions and disorders, we see perspective and stop bickering..

its not easy.. i know.. its frustrating, but i believe in baby steps.. miracles can happen, but for people like me..when miracles are rare.. i believe in doing things one step at a time.. keep the hope and faith up.

to a certain extent. despite my hatred towards this terrible thing i am going through. i know that it happens for a reason, and most others have it worst. at least i have something that i have the power to change, instead of something that leaves me stumped and literally dead.. we just have to work harder than some other people.. and working hard is character building?? hahha, do take care.. hope things get better =)

me (and you know who i am)

A Lost Writer said...

Nice to have you back. :) It's one of those things that blogging enables you to do: connect from people all over the world and discover similarities in our lives, our problem, our battles, etc. etc. I tried to leave the meds for a week and I realize that makes me lapse into my over-reactive state (which I do not like!) And yes, one of the meds makes me sleepy so my doctor agreed to halve the dosage. Now it's just find. So now I'm having only a third of what I was prescribed last December. I'd call that progress. The other reason I like the meds is that they make me think straight and avoid me eating for emotional reasons. Which helps me control my weight.
But like you said: baby steps...always works.
I will go to the extent of saying that I was driven to seek help because of my partner's instability. He refuses to seek help. I was falling into some abyss because of that. People who knew me five years ago and met me last year noticed the change too. So for the sake of my happiness, to be a good mother to my son and to keep my family together, I sought help. And it's working. I hope that soon, I will be able to reclaim my life completely. I live in hope! :)