Ice cold, ice cold

I wonder if it's possible. To turn into an individual with an ice-cold brain. If an emotional, talkattive, worries-too-much individual with overly transparent face expressions like myself can turn into someone who keeps their emotions in check, talks when needed, stops worrying about cooking right, having enough to send her son to a good college, saving enough for retirement, and of course, whether or not her son is getting enough sleep, getting decent grades, getting spoilt... basically, stops worrying altogether and focuses instead on the job at hand: overhauling relationships where an overhaul was overdue, ignoring the ties that bind (and gag), whether by blood or by vows. Caught between two generations, I have no choice now but to fight back. And I'm not going to do it in the way that's expected of me - me, the open, transparent, wears-my-heart-on-my-sleeve person.

It's been five days and I've managed quite nicely, thank you very much. I'm not saying it's been easy. But it's a start. Every time I hold myself from saying something, I can feel the snag in my throat. Every time I see something that I should be pointing out and rectifying with regard to the kid's behaviour, but don't, the gulp in my throat feels like swallowing rocks. Every time I feel the dire need to ask the spouse, "Why?" but hold back the words, I feel like someone's cutting my insides to ribbons. But this is important to me... and if I don't do this, I'll never make anything of my life!

Wish me luck.

The illusion fades once more

DH was back from his business trip on Sunday and for the next 24 hours, we got along. We actually got along. Simple conversations, smooth management of potentially-disastrous tantrums, cleaning the house...

Yesterday evening, the illusion shattered. I mentioned the trouble at my office in my last post. But I never expected DH to react to it the way he did. For starters, he looked like someone had hit him in the gut. And then he said I ought to quit right away instead of risking getting fired. Hello? Where did that come from? Here I am, trying to balance a thousand things good and bad (a lot of it bad) and trying to stay happy, or at least contended, and he looks like someone died! What's more, it's not even like he's never been handed the pink slip so it was the shock. (Er...did I mention, DH, that I do have a job and a lot of the fears stem from uncertainty at the firm so there's little I can do about that?)

He stayed morose for a couple of more hours, heightening my own anxiety. Then, I remembered my shrink's words and pulled myself together. Que sera sera. I'll cross the rickety bridge when it comes. Fortunately, DH logged into LinkedIn and proceeded to go berserk. I thought I was overdoing it, but I only have 30 connections built up over the past 6 months. He started two weeks back and crossed 100 yesterday. It's the whole Orkut thing all over again. Bad deja vu. But I digress.

His negative overreaction to the whole 'something-like-this-MIGHT-happen' scenario was bewildering at first, and rubbed off on me for a while. Then it was plain annoying. He knows his brainwashing works with the whole world and their uncle, but not with me. So why bother? Besides, this is MY career, good or bad or worse, but it is mine. Eventually, it just seemed silly the way he reacted and I was able to dismiss the whole thing and get along with life.

One little tinge of sadness remained: that illusion that we could actually get along for a while - like a regular couple - without something spoiling it, had broken. I know he can't handle stress very well. I know he's insecure. But just seeing the evidence of that brought a lot of weird feelings to the surface. Feelings I do not want to deal with because I don't know how to and whatever I do won't work unless he co-operates. So I have no choice but to leave it on the backburner for now. Ah well, there are other blessings life has to offer.

Excuse me, folks. I have a list to make...