Giving thanks and praying for strength

Life is strange. This time last year, I was going to pieces, hoping that my son's Coats disease was under control (it was). But just some time before that, I'd gone to pieces and sought help. I know I still need it, but for the past 7 months, I've managed on my own. Not commendably, and not the way I'd have liked to, but I've managed...

Now, I'm close to going to pieces again. Which is why it's time to take stock. My son's Coats has been under control for a year (his eye exam is around the corner. my fingers are crossed even as my brain reels like it always does in the run up to the eye exam every 4 months). In May, I managed to get out of my dead end job into one that's bursting at the seams with opportunities. I can say I've done pretty well for myself professionally - and there's scope to do more.

I can crib about the state of my marriage (hanging by the skin of my teeth), the state of my body (bursting), the state of my mind (all gone to hell and back) and the state of my house (the zone before time began) and the lack of time (ever got into the car and realized you were still wearing your bedroom slippers?) But that's nothing, really, when I sit to count my blessings.

And I feel truly blessed that I have my son, that I am able to be there for my mother - and she for me, and that all my hard work at the office is paying off. I am grateful to the Almighty that my son's condition was caught in time for treatment, and that the treatment has worked. He has flourished in school - at academics, at sports (he won the gold medal in the hoop race a couple of months ago) and other activities. I have a roof over my head and I am able to provide for my family. I am blessed with good health (the loose joints on the left-hand side of my body are worth another blog post, surely). We have been kept safe, day after day and that, in today's violent times, is something to truly give thanks for.

I need periods like this - to give thanks. Otherwise, I would just beat myself with thoughts of what more I need. Kiddo's sleeping over at my mom's. DH is asleep. And I finally have the time to return to my blog and give thanks. Because I know that although it's outrightly unfair for my child to be suffering from a condition that hangs over our him like a Damocles' sword, I know that the Almighty must have something good planned for him.

It breaks my heart to see him, innocent and carefree, deal with this condition in a very matter-of-fact manner. I dread the day he will ask me: "Why did this happen to me, Mamma?" So far, it's only been: "Will they make me unconscious or are we just going for the drops?" That's heart-rending, too, but I deal with it. I can only pray that when the time comes to answer the "why me?" or "when will this end?" questions, I will know what to say. Until then, I can only give thanks for the strength that we have received to deal with this thus far and hope for the best.

The leakage is back...and I'm falling apart

I managed to get us an appointment with the eye doctor yesterday. The leakage has started again. Munchkin was really irritated about keeping his eyes closed for them to be dilated. And somehow, ever since we left home, I was expecting bad news.

This time, the exudates (old leakage) had reduced, but other blood vessels had swollen and have begun leaking. Amazing, how quickly things can change in four months. The good news is that these vessels are still a decent distance away from the macula, so by God's grace his vision remains unaffected.

I was in such a tizzy after having the Fundus photos taken that I agreed to leave the hospital without thinking. Poppet's father wanted to delay it until after we come back from his parents place - which would make it another two weeks. By that time, Poppet's school would have started again. I agreed at the time but something didn't seem right...I guess what threw me off was his comment: "You can think practically and get the cryo done on Wednesday and cancel the trip. Or you can think religiously and proceed with the trip, seek miracles at the temples we're supposed to go to and come back and get it done on the 2nd of Jan."

I just didn't know how to respond. On the way home, however, what struck me was that the doctor was okay with us travelling a few days after the cryo. Why not get it done now, go on our trip, seek the miracle, and have my Munchkin recover throughout the Holidays?

We weren't able to talk to the doctor on the phone that day but now I'm hoping to fix procedure for next Wednesday. We can then leave for his grandparents' place on Saturday.

The whole general anesthesia thing still gives me the jitters. And there's so much in flux at the office. I have a hundred loose ends to tie up before I can go away without worrying about being fired while I'm away. :-P

More after we've organized everything. Hang in there, Munchkin. I have faith this will all work out...

That time of the year again

Last Christmas, I was thrilled to post that my son's Coats Disease had stabilized after two rounds of cryo and laser. It was my best Christmas gift ever.
Now it's that time of the year again. And just like last year, the eye exam has been delayed for one reason or another. He's actually not past his due date but I usually start early because I work myself up into such a frenzy that I want to know the results as soon as possible. He's had two more eye exams (one in March, the other in August) and the doctor says there's been no fresh leakage. The exudates (existing leakage) are still there, though. The doctor says they'll get absorbed over time, or he can use laser.
The kid also has glasses now - very, very low power and in both eyes. He also hasn't complained of any floaters or other discomfort throughout the year.
This time, we've kept missing the doctor (he was away for an emergency surgery the first time and the next week, I clean forgot - the stress is making me senile). We were all set for tomorrow, but it turns out the doctor's going to be in surgery again.
On Monday, the kid has his school's annual program. Tuesday's supposed to be a "bad day" for kids to be taken to a hospital; Wednesday the doctor's in surgery again; Thursday's Christmas, so the hospital OPD is closed; and Friday's surgery day again. Saturday we're leaving to visit my in-laws for a week. And then school re-opens again. And I am falling apart with the stress. It always builds up in the days running up the test.
A few days ago, a colleague mentioned my son's case to her eye doctor. He doesn't know my son's doctor but recommended someone else in the city. So that's another thing driving me crazy - do we stick by our doctor or get a third opinion (we've already had a second opinion - and it matched our doctor's).
Anyway, I'm sooo hoping the doctor will be able to spare some time to see my son tomorrow. Hopefully his assitant will be able to give me a clearer reply.
I honestly don't think I'll be able to go two weeks without knowing how my son is doing. The thing is, his condition has been stable since the last cryo in Oct 07 - which makes me wonder if all this is too good to be true.
I'm hoping and praying...

Life without plastic (money)...it's really weird!

I made the mistake of using my credit card in Sri Lanka in May. Just a $3.50 payment to cover for the cash I didn't have at the Colombo airport duty free store. The next thing I know, I get a call from the card company telling me that Sri Lanka is a high-risk location and I would be better off if I had my card cancelled and get a new one at no cost. Sounded good.

Around the same time, I lost my ATM PIN and haven't been able to get around to applying for a new one. I have a new account - because I have a new job and the firm will send my salary only to that particular bank - but I haven't found an ATM near my office or my house. Sigh. The credit card delivery guy has twice arrived in the middle of the afternoon and returned because we weren't home. This is after specifically requesting for a Saturday delivery or an address where I could go and pick up the card. No go!

So in 2008, I'm now dependent on cold, hard cash to manage my day-to-day spending. :-( I've never paid a rupee in interest to the credit card company. I make my full payment each month. But now that I'm card-less, it's a weird feeling. Like withdrawal symptoms from an addiction or empty-purse syndrome, maybe.

Now I better sign off and call the credit card company and see when I can get my new card. Wish me luck.

Happy anniversary to us...10 years and counting

Today was as good a day as any to restart blogging -- our tenth wedding anniversary! I can't believe we are now in our second decade. Sure, there's been trouble, and I sometimes find it tough to be optimistic, but sometimes, being practical works just as well.

Confession time: DH got me a card and money to buy a gift (I got a silver bracelet)...but I didn't get him anything...I mean, it's not like I was being mean. But it's really tough to buy him anything. It's like he has everything and anything I bought him would not be needed. There is one thing he wants. The new Artemis Fowl book, but that releases in 10 days. So I've promised to get him that. I dropped the whole card routine a few years back. It just happened...may be I'll restart that one of these years.

In the meantime, I honestly do need to get more organized than I used to be. More about the book in which I wrote a chapter...coming soon... :)

One step forward, two steps back

Yep, that pretty much describes the past six weeks. But the past six days have been ultra-stressful. It's more like two steps forward, one-and-a-half steps back. So here's another bland and quick update.

1. The damned BlackBerry finally got repaired. Created a serious hole in my pocket, too. But at least it isn't a sword over my head any more. I'm free, at last.

2. The idiot 'boss' got so excited over my exit, he couldn't control himself for a weekend and took off big time on the Office Manager. Told the poor girl all kinds of horrid stuff. She was so upset she just left the office and headed straight home, refusing to take calls. The man has no finer feelings. Actually, the man has no feelings that relate to anybody else. If this was the US of A - a phrase the (ex) Lord & Master was fond of using - the man would be sued for harrassment 10 times over. He's actually said stuff like: "You women join work and quit when you get married or take a year off when you get pregnant." D'uh... Looks like someone hasn't realized this is the 21st century.

3. My passport was supposed to have been dispatched this evening, but the passport office website still doesn't state a dispatch number. I'm supposed to show my passport when I join work on Monday, but hey... where.is.the.passport?????? Grrrrrrrrrr.

4. I've lost my doc's phone number! And haven't been able to track him down for the past 3 days. Long story...meant for another blogpost. Maybe. I need a session, really. You think I could just write to him?

5. At home, the room meant for the in-laws (arriving next Wednesday) is not yet ready. The husband cannot do anything on its own. Is always to tired to help when I want to start and sonny boy has been spoilt rotten during the holidays. Took the kid out for a movie, Bhootnath, this afternoon. Nice time pass, nothing life-altering! Like I could even deal with anything like that right now. Sigh.

6. If this much-worked-for passport does arrive before Monday, I'm supposed to head out to Colombo for two weeks of training, missing kiddo's first three days in the first grade. Waaaaaaaahhhhh. Not good.

7. Kiddo had his two lower front teeth pulled out coz the permanent teeth had grown in about 3mm behind the milk teeth and the milk teeth had been shaking but not showing any signs of falling out. He howled and I nearly did the same. I actually felt physically sick when he cried, saw the room spin and was sure I was going to faint or throw up or both...sigh...

I miss my friends at work. I really do.

I haven't written anything in ages. Which makes me feel worse. I wonder when I will be able to get back in the groove...

It's been one heck of a month!

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last updated my blog. I have good reason, and to tell the truth, I'm soooo stressed out right now, this is the only thing I could think of doing! So here are some quick updates that will explain why I've been out of the blogverse for so long.

1. I quit my job - am serving out the notice period now. {Yay, yay, yay...!!!}

2. I found another job. The work profile is better, it pays a bit more, but they've been adamant about my having a passport before I join. My passport expired 3 years ago and for a variety of reasons I never got it renewed. And now I need it pronto. More on that in a bit.

3. After I gave notice at work, I discovered that my immediate superior enjoys absolutely no respect among the team! Zilch. He's the laughing stock actually! I always suspected it, but I like to look on the brighter side of things. {Either that, or I was so caught up in my own troubles, I didn't notice! :-(}

4. The immediate superior is making things difficult over my last day. I am adjusting earned leave against the notice period (of 30 days) and that's what everyone does. But suddenly, I'm told I have to hang on. (For what?) I mean, just because I quit I'm indispensable? Especially considering that the Lord & Master sitting in the US of A has spent the past year telling me - more or less - that I'm redundant. Go figure!

5. Everyone at work has been telling me they're really sad I'm leaving but understand that I needed to get out of a place where not only was my talent not appreciated but was also ridiculed and dismissed. Sniff...it's really touching, the stuff people are saying.

6. I'm going to radically miss my friends at work. But sigh...no pain, no gain.

7. I finally managed to get something done about my passport. It's taken 10 days of preparation - poring though the website which contains starkly contradictory instructions - taking a zillion printouts and photocopies. Of course, the application was not accepted today because some or the other document was not in order. Come to think of it, nobody in the line got any of their work done. Hmmm....

8. There have been so many papers and copies around the house and I've been reading so much that my son thought I was preparing for an exam!

9. Now here's the icing on the cake. I got a verification certificate today: from an additional commissioner of income-tax, no less. Break out the champagne, this is BIG. But we're merely in the pilot episode, you know. Wait for the updates. God promise, mother promise - as we Indians are fond of saying - I won't disappear again.

10. In the middle of all this, I completed the paperwork for the car, which involved more than a couple of trips across town. All of this has been physically, emotionally and financially draining. The saga continues and I shall spill all the gory details shortly...

Made up my mind...finally

It's been a crazy week. A lot has happened. I didn't want to post today because everything still seems mixed up. But I thought I'd just start with one thing. (Yes, yes, the vacation update and the handbag meme are pending. * hangs head in shame*)

Let's start at the office for today. I've made up my mind to leave this job. Not because I had a fight or because I'm seething about some usual politics. The fact is, I'm really not doing much - even though the pay is good. If I took an editing test tomorrow, I'd probably flunk it because the kind of editing I do is so narrow!! I've just about managed to resurrect my writing, and I think it's time my editing followed suit.

Besides, this place is a fiefdom, a durbar where the king & queen sitting out in the US of A use some very opaque methodology to judge performance. There are just no transparent performance metrics. Actually, there are, but they just prefer to ignore that. Most people are planning to leave after the yearly hikes come out at the end of May. I doubt I'll get anything. Long story, but it's true. So I may as well leave before that. I don't want any sour grapes stories floating around.

So even though the job market out there ain't so good, and headhunters take forever to get back (read 2 months after applying) I'll leave by the end of May. I just don't want to hang around here and watch all this s*&^ unfold all around me.

I may have to sit at home for a while - which doesn't sound too bad. And I could just go back to working from home, although that will require some rethinking with regard to the driver. (Don't balk and don't think I'm rich. Half of the people in Bangalore who can afford a driver for around Rs 6,000 a month - thats less than $150 - hire one because our roads are chaotic, to say the least. And since DH and I both get dropped, the economics works out fine.) But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Of course I think about whether or not I'll get a job in the next 6 weeks. It's being ambitious, considering I'm not an IT/ITeS/BPO/KPO professional. And I suck at the whole interview routine. But you know what? Just having made that decision is a great weight off my head. And I love that feeling. :-)

Clawing my way back

The past week was bad. I couldn't write, I was binging, I was constantly hurried, and my fridge was empty because I hadn't shopped for groceries the previous weekend. So we've been eating weird experiments. Tasty, but not very healthy and certainly not good for my peace of mind. And to top it all off, things were going from bad to worse at work.

One step at a time.

I couldn't write: Everybody told me: just write. Something. Anything. Even if it's bad. So that's what I'm doing. Forcing myself to write. (You've been warned! :-P)

I was binging: Sanity has prevailed today. I also realized that I'd first stopped binging because of my meds. Then those were scaled back. I haven't binged in a month and realized I was depending on the meds to hold me back. Now I have to work on this on my own. Managed today. Fingers crossed.

I was constantly hurried: Again, because there was a lot of work left undone. And we're leaving for the beach in less than two days. So I hope to relax there.

Things bad a work: Sorted this one out. The uncertainty has gone on for too long. So today, I spoke to a senior colleague and then decided I was going to quit next month. I'm giving myself six weeks to find another job. It won't be easy because the U.S. is looking at a recession and most of the firms that pay well are affected by the slowdown as well as the depreciating dollar. And I won't work late shifts so I'm narrowing down my options. Again, fingers crossed.

Ooooh...nearly forgot. I am now the proud owner of a car. My first one ever. This is what the company gave me in late 2006 and now I've bought it from them at a really good rate. It's not mortgaged either. It's all mine. (Well, I did borrow from my Dad, but I'll pay him back in less than two months. Just waiting for a couple of bank deposits to mature.) Will take a photo of it and post it in a couple of days.

Also coming soon: The what's-in-your-handbag meme! That'll be my first meme.

Drawing a mental blank...

I'm drawing a blank on what to post on my blogs. Writer's block? Maybe. I have a sneak feeling that the absence of misery in my life might have something to do with it. :) Yea...I've been miserable for the past five years. It's just that I didn't know I was miserable and depressed and thought that's just how my life was meant to be.

Then I couldn't cope anymore and sought professional help. Suddenly, everything was clear: like I had a bird's eye view of the past few years. I wondered how I had managed to muddle through that time. And when the professional help started to work, I had this huge burst of creativity. I was brimming with ideas on what to write on my blog. I had ideas for short stories popping up at all kinds of odd hours. I even wrote a few. I loved that.

I managed to get a grip on the uncertainty at work, learned not to let DH's mood swings affect me, developed an even better relationship with my son, and well...things were great. Even better was the fact that my son's eye condition was under control.

And now...I'm blank as far as my writing is concerned. The doctor says I'm progressing very well. So I can't help but wonder if the two are connected. It also looks like I'm slipping with the control I'd gained over my eating habits. At first I thought it was the usual PMS-related carb cravings. But I don't think that's it. For the past week, I haven't been able to write anything. (Trust me, even this post has been a major effort.) And as for ideas for short stories...muahahaha...(that's my insane laughter, btw...insane and hopeless...*sob, sob, sob.*)

Is this the end of the road? Or am I really not meant to write again?