Friday, March 21, 2008

Whatever made me think I could write again?

I spent some time last night poring over the profiles and comments of fellow members of the online writers' group that I'm a part of and that's left me...awestruck doesn't begin to describe it. People have written SO much. They ARE WRITING SO MUCH! All.the.time.

There's one woman who has a husband, two kids, two dogs and she's written two books in her spare time. Also ready to wrap up the third!! How does she even create spare time? I should adopt her as my Guru! Seriously.

And then there are folks who have scores of magazine articles to their credit and they say they are still 'trying to get somewhere.' Hmm... Others have been training people to write or collaborated on books with half-a-dozen others. The moderator churns out wonderful material for the front page at an amazing pace and it's all so readable.

Makes me feel quite inadequate. I know I shouldn't feel that way, because I am just finding my way back to the world of writing. And I certainly don't write for a living any more. (Sigh...it's like the ABBA folks said: Where are those happy days? They seem so hard to find.) But you know what, I just sneaked back and read some of my older blog posts and cringed. Physically cringed. What made me thing that was 'writing?' My apologies to those who were tortured by reading that stuff. *shudder*

I had half a mind to shut down this blog, actually delete it. But obviously I didn't. Simply becasue all those crappy sentences tell the story of the person that I had become. If they look messed up, its because I was messed up. I have no idea how I lived through those years. The posts chronicle the tale - nothing heroic - of my efforts to reclaim my life, to create a corner that is entirely my own. Behind the clumsy syntax, ill-chosen words and glaring grammatical errors was a woman who had decided to fight back. I don't claim to have found my way back. I'm still groping in the dark...but there seems to be a ray of light struggling to get through.

Of course, when I see the mom-of-two-kids-and-two-dogs, I still feel inadequate. But I know writing isn't about keeping up with the Joneses. And so, I take a deep breath and go back to writing some more. Because that's the only way I'll find my way out of this darkness.

ps: I'm still worried about the outcome of my son's eye exam on Monday, but I also realize there's little I can do to change anything. In the meantime, its Holi tomorrow - the festival of colors. And the kid wants to have a blast. So I've bought him a box of non-toxic, food-grade colors that he can play with. He's promised to wear glasses to avoid anything getting in his eyes.

2 comments:

Rose said...

thank you for dropping in on me and leaving a comment or I would not have found your wonderful blog! I have added you to my blogroll so I can check in on you. Try to let go of that self doubt, it serves no purpose. Write a page a day and you will have accomplished something. Stop comparing yourself. But alas, I completely understand the self doubt and lack of time!!!!

A Lost Writer said...

Thank you so much. I'm adding you to mine, too. :)