Monday, May 24, 2010

Ice cold, ice cold

I wonder if it's possible. To turn into an individual with an ice-cold brain. If an emotional, talkattive, worries-too-much individual with overly transparent face expressions like myself can turn into someone who keeps their emotions in check, talks when needed, stops worrying about cooking right, having enough to send her son to a good college, saving enough for retirement, and of course, whether or not her son is getting enough sleep, getting decent grades, getting spoilt... basically, stops worrying altogether and focuses instead on the job at hand: overhauling relationships where an overhaul was overdue, ignoring the ties that bind (and gag), whether by blood or by vows. Caught between two generations, I have no choice now but to fight back. And I'm not going to do it in the way that's expected of me - me, the open, transparent, wears-my-heart-on-my-sleeve person.

It's been five days and I've managed quite nicely, thank you very much. I'm not saying it's been easy. But it's a start. Every time I hold myself from saying something, I can feel the snag in my throat. Every time I see something that I should be pointing out and rectifying with regard to the kid's behaviour, but don't, the gulp in my throat feels like swallowing rocks. Every time I feel the dire need to ask the spouse, "Why?" but hold back the words, I feel like someone's cutting my insides to ribbons. But this is important to me... and if I don't do this, I'll never make anything of my life!

Wish me luck.

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